The thoughts of an Insane Darth Varg: June 2013

Well I haven't done a blog in awhile. That's what happens when you have a disease called depression. You just don't have the energy to do anything. You just want to crawl into bed and sleep all day. I truly hate having it. It just is so draining.

Ive just had so much shit happen in my life that when I finally feel happy something horrible happens. They say that I have chemical imbalance in my head. Well I can say that would be because my stupid excuse of a mother had to use drugs when she was pregnant with me. When I was born I had drug withdrawals. HOW FUCKED UP IT THAT!!!! Then when I was around 5 I moved in with my stepfather and my ma(I was living with my grandparents for the first 5 years of my life). Yea that wasn't that great either. My father was a sick fucked up fundamentalist Christian. So he would spank us cause that's what the bible says. ( Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them Proverbs 13:24). So yea there were time that he would have pretty long "spanking" sessions. So I was always afraid to get hit so I was always well behaved. But the damage that was done with it has still scarred me to this day. He was also very verbally abusive as well.

The other shit that has just damaged me. I have been fired from 5 jobs, as fucked up as my parents are not having a family to talk to and have time with, being a let down to my wife, not being better with my money, seeing my 2 younger brothers go down the road they are down, not being able to be a father seeing as I'm to messed up to raise one, and the fact that my biological dad is more involved in his NA and AA meetings then trying to repair the damage that he has done and build a relationship with me.

I know a few of you will be like yea well there are other people that have it worse then you. FUCK YOU!!! I KNOW THAT BUT IT STILL DOESN'T MAKE IT EASIER SOMETIMES TO GET OVER IT!!! I keep telling myself that and that's what gets me through it sometimes but most of the time it doesn't. I know that I have to just keep reminding myself of the good things that I do have like my wife, my cats, and the Florida Panthers. And that are 3 most important things that keep me going and not just killing myself(yea I have though of doing it many times, but I know that I have too much to live for).