Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

Anger kills. I have had issues with it my whole life. When I was younger whenever my parents got angry they would usually take it out on me and my brothers. I remember several times when my father was mad and he would hit us with the paddle that we had or any other item he could find. There was this one time that we were up in Vermont in my grandfathers sisters house and I believe that we had woke up early and we were too loud or something and he line up me and my two younger brothers and started hitting each of us for like 5 minutes. And then there was this other time when me and my brother John had rode just a little faster then my brother Dan and Dan told my father so he whipped me with a belt. Earlier in the day him and my mother were trying to get a loan or something at the bank and I don't think it went all that well. So yea I really didn't have good role models for how to deal with anger.

When I got older I would get angry at things and would try to just let it go but could not. Like there are times when something as little as me losing something and Ill get so mad I think I'm going to go on a murdering spree. Or if I am losing in a game I will go berserk.

The area where it has really affected me is work. Something like as stupid as me fucking up or when someone does something stupid. What will happen is instead of just letting it go Ill let it stay there and build up with every other little thing that happens intill i have this murderous angry in me and then it affects my work even more and then I make mistakes and get even more angry. Sometimes I get so angry that I have shortness of breath. It has cause me alot of sleepless nights. When I was on overnights at CVS I had major anger issues there. With the fact I couldn't adjust to it, the fact that the people I worked with sucked, with having to take in the delivery, and how I was starting to hate people cause my anger to get worse and cause me not to be able to sleep. I had gone days with out it. It got so bad that I had to go to the hospital for it.

I really believe that it has cost me to move up as fast as I could at my current job. I just got so mad sometimes in the kitchen that I think I'm going to do this one day

One of the other sources of my anger is at Christainy. I grow up in a Fundamentalist Christian home.It really was a messed up upbringing.(I will go into that in another blog). So I decide to go the other route and be a Satanist. People were not accepting of me. So I got angry at Christians. In the beginning I was indifferent to them but they could not accept me for what I was so it built to where it is now and my anger so bad toward it I just can't be accepting toward them. It has also ruined Christmas for me. (and retail did that too).

In the end the worst thing it has done has cause me to lose or not have friends. People don't like to be around angry people all the time and I don't blame them. I hate being around me too. I don't like being angry all the time. I just want to be happy and relaxed. It really sucks having anger issues. I really want to get over my anger. I know I can't do it on my own. I do have a great wife that can help me and a few friends that will help to get better but in the end I have to go see my therapist again and have to will power to beat this. I know I can. 

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